Not Sorry

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According to a survey, this is, on average, how many times a woman apologises in her lifetime.

25% more than men.

And this was the topic of a group coaching session I facilitated at the WomenEd unconference last month.

But why do we over-apologise more as women?

A study from the University of Waterloo, Canada found that women tend to apologize more often because they have a lower threshold than men for what they consider offensive.

Tara Swart, Neuroscientist and author of The Source, links apologising to habits formed in childhood where self-confidence and assertiveness were seen as rude. It's more pervasive in little girls who are more consistently made to feel wrong, and be fearful of punishment.

But this is more deep rooted than a childhood habit.

The sense that we are to blame, that we have done something wrong is entrenched in the female psyche long before the moment of our conception.

Remember the Creation story from the bible?

When Adam and Eve started to feel a bit embarrassed because they were naked and God said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?"

Adam was quick enough to dissolve all responsibility for eating the forbidden fruit and blame the woman he'd just been lying naked with, "The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate."

From here on the role of woman as the perpetrator is etched into the human psyche.

The active voice 'She gave me..' clearly places the woman here as the agent of sin of humanity.

This is a story that permeates some of the most lasting and influential stories of humankind.

Remember Pandora opening that box, releasing sin into the world?

Another female perpetrator.

Qualities that should be labelled as our superpowers, such as empathy, intuition and connectedness to mother nature, led to the persecution and execution of women throughout history. Think about the mid-century witch trials as an example of this.

Time to Disrupt!

So what can women do to stop over-apologising?

Here are some of the strategies we came up with in our workshop.

1) Stop and pause as you are about to apologise and ask yourself is it really necessary?

2) Use alternative language to 'I am sorry' such as:

• 'Unfortunately…'
• 'Thank you for your patience..'
• 'Do you have time for....'
  

3) When other women apologise to you unnecessarily, gently challenge them to stop apologising and encourage them to be unapologetic about taking up space.

4) Read this article by Vivienne Porritt.

Let October be our month to #Disrupt.

#NotSorry